


Empty

by tonyangstbabey



Series: Irondad and Spiderson Whump Bingo [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker has Mental Health Issues, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Ned Leeds, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, are any of us surprised, the real happy ending was the emotional obstacles we overcame on the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:35:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22276456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonyangstbabey/pseuds/tonyangstbabey
Summary: written for the whump bingo prompt "spacing out during a conversation while they're speaking and needing to regain focus"This is just me tryna write abt my experience with dissociation babes!
Relationships: Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Michelle Jones, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Irondad and Spiderson Whump Bingo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600636
Comments: 12
Kudos: 205





	Empty

Peter was having an Empty day. He was lazily floating above it all, dispassionately watching himself as he tried to smile for Ned and avoid the teacher’s gaze and just look normal. For moments he would be back, grounded by a surprise physical touch or a sudden rush of emotion. But the next, he would slip away, content to experience the day as distantly as possible.

Ever since Ben, Peter had been dealing with Empty days. His worst episode was when, a day after the funeral, Peter started dissociating and the next time he was aware, he was in class, a week later. He had jerked his head up and almost fallen off his chair, interrupting the whole class. Then he’d had to feign a stomachache to get out before the entire class witnessed him having a breakdown.

Peter knew what had caused this episode: the anniversary of Ben’s death. May had spent all of last night checking in with him because she had an early shift today. Peter had just smiled as much as he could before he left for a night of relentless Spider-manning. When he got back in the early hours of the morning, he barely remembered tearing off the suit and falling into bed. He just remembers waking up and being Empty.

He hadn’t cared much. Then again, he never did when he was like this. Like someone had torn all the emotions he usually felt out of his chest and instead placed a block of concrete. There wasn’t room for new emotions and his old ones were gone.

The therapist May had gotten him after Ben’s death had said that it was his own intelligence working against him. He was so logical that when he had Empty days, the same logic that made him capable of keeping up with Tony Stark in the lab also made him incapable of escaping the inherent nihilism of his dissociation. The way he saw it, why not be Empty, when he knew that all he would feel otherwise would hurt.

So here he was, walking out of school with a concerned Ned and a stone-faced MJ by his side, when he saw Happy’s cat parked in front of the school.

He thought he might have felt a flicker of emotion at the sight of it, but then the moment passed and he was Empty again.

“Peter,” Ned was saying, “are you sure you should be working with Tony Stark right now? You should go home, man. You don’t look so good.”

Peter heard everything Ned said but he couldn’t process what it meant. Like he was talking in another language. Peter nodded his head and started towards Happy’s car. Ned hurried to catch up with him.

“Dude, seriously. Want me to call May? I know today’s rough ‘cause of Ben-“ Ned rambled, but Peter didn’t hear a word after Ben. His eyes watered and for a second he was out of it. He heaved in a rough breath, like he hadn’t been breathing for the past minute, and Ned crowded him, holding his arm.

“Peter!”

Peter felt like the building was on top of him again. Like he was being crushed, like he was going to die and it would be all his fault for thinking that he was enough, that Spider-man was enough, that Peter Parker was enough when he couldn’t even save his damn Uncle-

The Empty came back, and Peter was floating, more distant than he’d been in months.

When Peter became aware of his surroundings again, he was standing in the living room of the Tower, bag by his feet, Mr. Stark twenty feet away in the kitchen, making something to eat.

“What about you kid, humus?” Peter hummed an agreement though he didn’t know what for. All he had to do was make it through the conversation. Once they were in the lab, he was confident that Mr. Stark would be so engrossed in whatever project he was working on that Peter’d be able to hide the Empty.

The problem was that he seemed to be so far away that he could barely process his own thoughts. He could see himself: how he kept moving his arm on the chair, how he tapped his foot against the carpet, how his hands clenched and unclenched, but he couldn’t feel any of it. It was like after getting a cavity filled, when you’d poke at your jaw and know that you’re supposed to feel something, but it just seems like a heavy weight on the side of your face, not even your own skin. He zoned back in to hear Mr. Stark say, “-school today?” and tried to think up a response.

“ummmm…” Peter let go and let his mouth work for him. “Ned mentioned something about a new lego set so I’m pretty sure-“

Peter was still talking. He could see his mouth moving, knew he was saying something. Whatever it was, he didn’t care. He floated away, too Empty to care at all.

The next time Peter became aware, Mr. Stark was right in front of him, kneeling on the carpet. He was frowning and one of his hands was squeezing lightly to Peter’s wrist with something super cold. Peter yanked his arm back.

“Mr. Stark what-“

“You were dissociating Peter.” Mr. Stark said and oh he was serious. He didn’t usually call him Peter.

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Yeah,” Peter said, absently rubbing his wrist with his other hand, trying very hard to avoid Mr. Stark’s face. His cheeks felt hot and his eyes watery. “I get these… episodes sometime. Ever since Ben. Today’s the-“

“You don’t have to tell me kid.” Mr. Stark said gently. Then he reached out a hand beneath Peter’s chin and slowly lifted his head up to meet his eyes. Peter saw something there he wasn’t expecting: love.

“How about instead of the lab today we watch the original three Star Wars and order in lots of Thai, hmm? That sound good?” Mr. Stark groaned as he stood up, knees no doubt aching. “We don’t have to talk about it or anything. I know today’s rough for you buddy. But I’m also not just gonna let you dissociate.”

Tear welled up in Peter’s eyes, too fast to stop. Everything he had been trying to avoid feeling this whole day, what his body knew instinctively to try to stop, cams crashing down. The concrete block was gone, and his grief swept back in so fast it knocked the wind out of him.

“Tony.” he whimpered and shot out a hand to grab the man’s sleeve. Tony turned and his breath caught in his throat.

“Oh kiddo.” And then Tony was pulling him into a hug, fingers scratching gently through his scalp as Peter sobbed into his suit jacket. He didn’t want to think about how much the suit probably cost, and how he was ruining it by crying on it.

“I can practically hear your thoughts kiddo,” Tony said softly, as if by speaking louder he would disturb Peter in some way, “don’t worry about it. Billionaire, remember?”

That was all the permission Peter needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!! I meant for this one to be longer, but it was rly difficult to write abt??? even tho it be a common experience of mine?? so idk. As always, leave a comment and check out my tumblr @tonyangstbabey.


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